How Orchidaceae Changed my Life in Seven Days.

I promised I was going to write a blog about ODI (Orchidaceae Dance Intensive), which I attended in September. It has been a month since the intensive already, and it’s hard to believe that it was only that short an amount of time. It feels like forever ago already, and yet the inspiration has not left me yet. Since I came back I have been more creative than ever and more hungry to learn and experiment and improve. 

Jazzy Studios - our home for the week

I’m finding it hard to write my blog. I don’t want to write about all of the things that we did, like a blow by blow account of what you learn in ODI. I think it’s something you have to experience for yourself. More than this I want to write about the impact it has had on me and what it has caused me to learn about myself. When I came home, I wrote in my journal about my experience, and just like this blog, I wrote mostly about myself and not the act of being there.

I think that there are no adjectives in the English language to describe how incredible the week was. I went to ODI knowing that I would spend the whole week feeling like a beginner. I was ready for that challenge. I needed it. I signed up for this intensive feeling like this was the push that I needed to move forwards with my own work. So throughout the week we took 3 hour classes in House, Contemporary, Floorwork, Hip Hop, Vogue, Waacking, Popping, Capoeira and Tribal Fusion – Orchidaceae style! Throughout the week I felt physically and emotionally challenged, and each of the classes made me learn something about myself, not only as a dancer but as a person. On the last day, we all cried – a lot. And when I came home and wrote about the week in my journal and put onto paper the things I had learned about myself, I cried a bit more. Because part of it was like a release, and part of it was like the biggest disappointment in myself that I allow myself to feel this way and to punish myself so much.

Some mornings, sunglasses were required!

So… realisation number one: I am physically capable of more than I give myself credit for. I spend so much time telling myself I am not a ‘real’ dancer. I think I’m a pretty good bellydancer, particularly when it comes to Tribal Fusion. But every other dance class I go into, I go into with the headset that I will suck. I don’t pick new movement vocabulary up quickly. I don’t understand movement mechanisms just by seeing them once, I have to physically experience them multiple times before they start to make sense to me. Not feeling like a ‘real’ dancer is mostly nothing to do with being a bellydancer, and everything to do with the fact that if I were to be in a company in any other style, I’d be the first person to get cut, because I’m slow. I’ve been to classes – particularly in styles like contemporary – and it’s a case of keep up or get out. You don’t get the teachers taking time to really help you when you’re struggling to get it. I’m sure that’s not every class and every teacher, but the ones that I’ve been to, it has been this way. And I left the classes feeling worse about myself than when I first entered the room. The Orchidaceae crew are nothing like those teachers. In floorwork, both Cookie and Lucia spent time with me one to one to help me understand and execute some of the movements I was struggling with. And Maria especially made me feel like I was capable of anything in the contemporary class – she had me doing leaps, kicks, pulling her into the air, and lifting me through space…. Wow! Things so far out of my comfort zone that I felt I would never be able to do them. I was doing them – not perfectly but it didn’t matter – I was *doing* them – and all because she believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. 

And this brought me to realisation number two: I don’t believe in myself – at all. I spend so much time questioning why things have happened to me, how I have been so fortunate to be in the position that I am in now. I’ve realised that I never feel good enough, at anything. I’ve spent my entire life feeling like a fraud. I feel like a fraud as a dancer constantly – I think part of that feeds into that ‘not a real dancer’ feeling. The more cross training I do, the more that feeling decreases, but it hasn’t gone away. Throughout my PhD I felt like a fraud the whole time – even on the day that I successfully defended my thesis, I left feeling like I’d somehow managed to con the examiners into thinking my work was worthy of the doctorate. I avoid conversation about everything that’s important to me because I feel like I don’t have anything important to contribute because what right do I have to comment on anything anyway. I feel like this about so many things. I know that part of it comes down to being an introvert – I like to think a lot and don’t much like sharing my thoughts and feelings. But I wonder if sometimes I use my introversion as an excuse for the real issue. I look at these amazing dancers that I admire so much – like Piny, and Zoe, and Anasma – and I see their outgoing personalities and willingness to try anything and everything and I wish I could be more like them. I am trying. But some past experiences, where I overcome introversion and this feeling of not having a right to share my opinion, and state my thoughts on a subject and get shut down for not having the popular opinion… this has only pushed me further towards this feeling of having no right to say anything…. I have to get over this feeling because I do have things to say and I shouldn’t keep them to myself. How can I ever hope to make a positive contribution to the growth of our community if I never say anything, or challenge anything?

My favourite teacher <3 ... so amazing!

The weekend of the intensive was the most emotionally challenging. Staring into the eyes of another person is fucking intense. I was paired with Laura Luna at first and we laughed and then we both felt this intense wave of emotion well up inside of us and before we knew it we were simultaneously crying. With Laura it was cool because we know each other pretty well, and while it was intense, it was like we just shared something really special within our friendship. My second partner was Leo Orchidaceae… me and Leo are friends but she is a mysterious woman! From what I can tell, she’s also kind of an introvert. But I think most people had a different experience with their second partner. For me, even now, when I think about gazing into her eyes, I feel a little breathless as I did in the moment. At one point we smiled at each other but for the most part it was really serious. And I felt like she was really staring into my soul – like she could see every insecurity I have about myself, every thought, every memory, every dream… that’s a really intimate moment. Which brought me to realisation number 3 – I avoid intimacy with other people. I have had so many ‘friends’ hurt me in the past that I put up a wall to stop people from getting too close. And when I’m forced into a situation that requires that level of intimacy, I feel like I can’t breathe because the wall is being dragged down brick by brick.  

All of these realisations so far are tied together. It’s why I let people who I deem to be ‘better’ than me, walk all over me. It’s why I don’t contribute ideas when I work with people who are more experienced than me, or at least are in my head, because I don’t think they could possibly ever be as good as theirs. I go along with what other people want so that I don’t have to face confrontation or be made to feel like my ideas aren’t worth anything. This is SO STUPID! Essentially I’m a coward. The only time I can really share my ideas is when I am the director – like in Juniper Project – because they have trusted me to be in control. And sometimes I feel ok about it if I’m working with people who I view as my peers and not my teachers - but not always.

A few of my awesome roommates

I was kind of grateful at the end of the weekend that everyone cried. That we held each other in a close embrace and sobbed. It made me feel safe that even though I’m quite clearly ridiculously neurotic to the point of it actually holding me back, I’m also not alone in feeling this way. Or at least, that other people were having emotional breakthroughs and realisations like I was. We got really close as a group and made stronger connections to each other. In a way that no other intensive has managed to do. We told each other what we really thought of each other in those moments. Again, tears come to my eyes as I think of the things people said to me and that I said to others as we sobbed. And that brings me to realisation number four: I can’t be on my own any more. I need some people to work with – bellydancers or otherwise. I feel like my fusion is not going to grow and expand without having the room to experiment and research together the way that Orchidaceae are doing as a company. The whole point of this intensive was to emphasise how important it is that we share. And you can’t share on your own. I think perhaps some of the tears were another realisation that when we were to go back home, many of us would be alone once again. I’m not going to allow myself to be alone any more. I have spent the past 10 years of my life as a dancer being by myself – short term collaborations aside – as a fusion dancer I have done all of my training for myself. I have spent hours in the studio working on my technique, without a regular teacher. And that’s ok. But it’s not enough for me any more So as such, I’ve taken a step completely out of my comfort zone – I’ve joined the performance group at the studio I take Street and Jazz classes at in Birmingham. We’re creating a piece for the International Dance Festival Birmingham next year, and in the interim we are now making a piece for a performance in December. FUCK! I can’t believe I have actually put myself in this situation, where I am working with people who are classically trained. And it’s so funny, because when we introduced ourselves, the director of the project got so excited that I was a bellydancer – and she wants me to, at some point, do one of our sessions so that people in the group can learn some bellydance. I am so excited to get to share my work with these people and have them share their knowledge with me and watch as we grow together. I can’t wait to see where this experience takes me as a dancer. When I first read that the studio were going to open up this group so that dancers of different backgrounds can work together, I asked myself if I should do it and I told myself I shouldn’t because of all the things I said before – I’m not good enough, I have nothing to contribute, why would anyone want me there? I refuse to let myself think that any more.  

My Own Style Jam - Hostess with the Mostess!

Another thing that I avoided as part of the intensive was the My Own Style Jam – a battle of sorts. I regretted it the moment people started dancing. Through all the thoughts of ‘I’m not good enough, I don’t have enough confidence in myself, etc, etc’, I missed an opportunity to show what I do to people outside of my little bubble of a community. How foolish of me to pass up this opportunity. Never again. I am going to say yes to more things that make me feel uncomfortable. It’s time. Maybe now, after this intensive, I’ve been introduced to a headspace where I’m ready to work through these feelings that I have about myself and get to a more balanced place in my head. Piny had me doing things with my heart and soul that no other teacher has succeeded in getting me to do. She’s a special one.  

I have realised that I need to be the change I want to see in the world. Piny’s words are still ringing in my head – we need to show people what we do because what we do is amazing! When I think of all the times I’ve lied to people that I was a ‘contemporary’ dancer so I don’t have to hear the piss-takes or the misunderstandings of what bellydance is… I might not feel ashamed of being a bellydancer, but I’m too afraid to have the difficult conversations with people about what it is that I do? Isn’t that just as bad as being ashamed? I know a lot of our problem is public perception of what we do, but what have I done so far to change that? Nothing! Time to make a change. 

I feel like the aftermath of this intensive is going to bring a big change in our community. And it might not be a change that I will be young enough to feel the benefit of, but we are the people that can start making the necessary changes within our community and across other dance communities for the dancers that will come after us - our students and their students. There are enough of us that are serious about our education as dancers and are in a position that we can effect change. I just hope that we turn these into actions and not just words – I think this is the important mission of our generation – to question everything, to educate everyone, to create connections with other dance forms and to push ourselves to always be better. So the future generations will benefit from our work and so that Tribal Fusion won’t die. 

It wasn't all work, work, work.... but mostly it was ;)

Since I came home I have changed my entire attitude towards everything I do in dance. Yes I am inspired to work harder and make new work, and I am spending more time working on the things I need to work on. When I go to classes, I go right to the front instead of hiding out in the back. And this week, for the first time in 6 months since I started, I actually went and spoke to my street dance teacher! That sounds like nothing but it’s a big deal for me – hide at the back of the class and hope no one notices you girl! I even have this thought that maybe if I work hard enough I can get to the point where I would join a battle in one of the styles I really like. I am working really hard on House because it is my favourite, but I’m also practicing popping and hip hop because I feel like if I really put my mind to it and just let go a little bit, I could be good at it. I just need to work at it and forget this notion of never being good enough! Fuck inhibition, be brave and fearless and fucking rock it! This is my life, post-ODI. Self-doubt is trying to creep in every day, and I’m kicking it away each time it approaches – it’s not easy, but I’m doing it. I need to believe that I am capable of everything because I AM, and Orchidaceae showed me that I am. There are no limitations unless you create them, so stop creating them. 

Somebody take me back there, please!!

This is what ODI did for me. And before I close my blog, I want to say that all of the Orchidaceae crew are such talented, generous, curious, incredible people that fill you with self-worth and believe in you until the end. I’ve never met people so kind and caring and wishing for my success in everything. My only regret is that we don’t see each other more. I want to give a special mention for our three teachers from the week:

* Lucia: strong, fierce and patient. Knowing how to push you with just the right amount of gentleness. Your Capoeira class was the most physically challenging and I felt my quads for FOUR DAYS after your class! But you also reminded me the part of Tribal Fusion that drew me in in the first place – the constantly pushing physical boundaries, the control over the body that you get from being able to do these tiny isolations and how strong you feel knowing your body so well. In many ways, Capoeira feels the same. I’m always looking for the next personal physical challenge – that’s why I started running earlier this year – and it’s what I loved about Tribal Fusion when I started. Thanks for helping me to remember that feeling. The other girls told me I would hate this class because I guess I don’t fit the stereotype of loving this kind of challenge. But I LOVED it! I definitely want to learn more Capoeira and be as fucking strong as you are!!

* Leo: What can I say? My favourite teacher!! Generous, supportive, kind, patient… you make me feel like I can do everything. You are someone really special, to inspire people the way that you do. You weave some kind of magic that I can’t really put into words. Your classes are just magic – I wish I could be in them every week!

The one that makes the magic happen... always.

* Piny: Knowing you has changed my life immeasurably. I will never forget how I felt after I watched Orchidaceae in rehearsal before TribaLX last year. I will never forget sharing Noemi’s apartment with you and the girls in Barcelona. Your friendship and your belief means a lot to me. But more, your love for this dance style and for dance in general is infectious and inspiring. You’re the only person I have met that really knows how to get the best out of me – to get me to do the things that no one else can. You see the potential in everyone and you see the potential in Tribal Fusion. You see how fucking amazing this dance style is and remind us not to forget that. I love that you are always curious, always experimenting, and not afraid to make mistakes. You’re genuine and you’re honest and you don’t hold back. I think we should all be a little bit more like you. 

I miss everyone that I shared a moment with at the intensive. I feel like we really bonded as a group and I miss getting to share class every day with you. But the inspiration and energy everyone gave me is living on – I’m still inspired a month after ODI and I feel like the inspiration won’t run out soon. If you can take the ODI next year, you definitely should. It is already in my diary ready for next year…. Heck, me and my husband have even banded around the idea of moving to Lisbon for a few months… 

We need people like Orchidaceae in our world to remind us that hard work pays off. That our work is important and that we can make a difference. That collaboration and working together is key for us to grow. That sharing our ideas and work is essential if we want to make the change we want to see. I am making changes in my life that I hope will be super positive for me, not just in dance but in life.

So this is me, post-ODI…. Let’s see what happens next!! 

A Good Teacher is Like a Candle....

‘A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others’.
- Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, translated from Turkish

I have just returned from a trip to the US where I took part in Kami Liddle’s Expansion choreography intensive. A week of technique, pushing my personal comfort zone and being surrounded by inspirational people, culminating in a beautiful performance. I had an absolutely wonderful time with some truly incredible people and have come home feeling massively inspired to create again. 

Kami Liddle's Expansion Group

For a while I felt stuck in a rut. I even wrote several blogs about various things that I discarded because I was stuck in the creative rut. Blogs that, had I been feeling differently I probably would have published! At the end of 2014 I looked back on my year – I had a fantastic 2014. It had its ups and downs, sure, but on the whole it was pretty epic – I performed with people I never dreamed I would, Juniper Project was amazing and made me so proud. I got to collaborate with some great dancers performing my choreographies, and I felt intense pride in my work for the first time in a long time. I felt like I had finally laid a solid foundation for everything I would go on to do in the coming years and that I had built a body of work I could be proud of.

But then I started working on what would come next…. And I had nothing. I was completely empty. I tried making choreography but felt bogged down by the triumphs of 2014. I struggled to find music that inspired me and I pushed and pushed to get new ideas to emerge from my body. But I would leave the studio feeling exhausted and deflated. Like I had reached the peak of my creativity – that was it. That fleeting moment of glory in a year where I felt I had produced my best works to date… it was over and there was nothing left.

It is times like this that you feel like giving up, and that you’ll never be as good as your previous effort. Of course, this is a ridiculous notion. In 2014 I did make some good work. I also spent a lot of time teaching other people how to do what I do. I expended a LOT of effort on other people (which I am grateful and thankful for, and love more than anything), and gave a comparatively small amount of nourishment to myself. In August I went to the US and indulged myself in a month of dance, and I came home feeling even more alone in my practise and on my journey because my mentors live on the other side of the damn world. It’s little wonder I got to December and felt like my best was already spent.

So what is this blog about? Well, it’s about being a teacher and being a student. I read the quote above from Atatürk and it struck several chords. I interpret it in two ways – the teacher consumes themselves to light the way for others – they sacrifice things in their own creative work so that others may be given the opportunity to shine through their teaching. Or – they invest in themselves so deeply and passionately that they have something special to give back. I will always consider myself to be a student – craving new knowledge is part of my personality. And I am so grateful to my teachers for lighting the way for me on my dance journey. I always aim to give credit to the people that have shaped me and I love that I can be a part of their legacy living on in my own students.

Being at Kami’s intensive gave me a renewed appreciation of my teachers, especially the ones that also consider themselves to be eternal students, always striving to be better, never standing still and waiting for life to happen. It gave me a new appreciation that they are also dancers on their own path, who sometimes feel alone in their journey, who face their own physical, emotional and creative struggles and who are stronger as a result of them. I appreciated seeing vulnerability in my colleagues, knowing that I wasn’t the only one that went through these things, and feeling reassured that it didn’t matter what your level was – no one is immune from insecurities, and pressures and expectation.

It reaffirmed my belief that a great teacher is one that is also a great student. I never want to be one of those teachers whose egos get in the way of continuing their training – I am perfectly ok with my students and peers seeing me fail in class. Failing is very, very important for learning. I admit, I have been to classes where my failure has put me off going back – though usually this has been because the class was too advanced and what I really needed was to take myself to a more beginner level class (I’m thinking especially of a foray into contemporary that I took last year – I was way out of my depth!). So you see – I still learned something from that experience – I needed a class that had more time for me as a beginner in contemporary dance. Being an eternal student allows me to grow not only from a technical perspective but also from a creative standpoint. I do admire those people that are incredibly good at that one thing that they do – I also don’t really understand them, because my attitude is always for learning more and experiencing more. I feel like if I stopped going to classes, I stopped investigating and widening my perspective, I would do the same thing over and over – I would do the same dance every time, just to different music. I hope that when people see me perform, they see a diversity of experience in my approach, because I never stop studying.

So I will continue to consume myself in this amazing thing that is dance, and all the other things that I study to inform my practice (Pilates, Yoga, nutrition, anatomy…) in order to be the best teacher I can be for my students. And I am supremely grateful to my teachers for doing the same thing for me. There is a reason that I go back to the same people over and over…. 

I think it’s important to recognise your lineage as a dancer, to recognise the impacts that your teachers have had on you as an artist – your past tells you a lot about your present and your future.  I have been lucky to have a great ‘family tree’ and to continue to train with the people that inspire me. Long may that continue! I hope I never lose the passion I have for learning, in all aspects of my life. Consider this a thank you note to the teachers that have had a biggest impact on my life: Zoe Jakes, Amy Sigil, Kami Liddle, Suhaila Salimpour, Samantha Emanuel, Dawn O'Brien, Karen Price, Judy Scully, Karen Bladen, Mark Humphries.... Without you I wouldn't be who I am today. 

Tribal Fest – One Year On...

I’ve been bad. I promised myself I would write in my blog more this year and yet, here we are, almost in June and only writing my second post this year. I guess it has been a busy year so maybe you can let me off! I have so many things that I have done this year that I would like to reflect on, but I know the one thing many of my followers have been asking for is a Tribal Fest blog, so maybe I can reflect on the other things at a later stage and keep this one all about that crazy festival it seems the whole of the tribal fusion world is watching every year.

Fun in SF

Those of you that have been following my blog for some time will have read my ‘Truth about Tribal Fest and Other Stories’ blog around this time last year. And I admit that last year, it was not what I expected. So much so that I said that sure I’d go back one day, but probably not in 2014. And I stand by that statement – if I had not been asked to teach this year then I think I wouldn’t have been there. But I think that would have also been a mistake on my part, because this year was amazing for so many reasons beyond being a teacher. I still stand by last year’s blog, but definitely had a better experience this year, even with some of the crazy things that happened on this trip!

Well, to set the context of the crazy... in order to afford the flight to SF, Dawn and I booked our flight from Dublin rather than any of the UK airports – saving us approximately £300 even after paying for a return flight between Birmingham and Dublin! The ridiculous part of that was having to fly from Dublin to London to connect for our SF flight! Of course that meant a much longer journey time, but still, 12 hours with layover is not that long. Except that it ended up being much longer – we were stuck at Heathrow for over four hours after our plane got hit by lightning. And then stuck on the tarmac for an additional 45 minutes after one of the stewardesses spotted a patch of oil on the floor at the back of the plane, potentially meaning we all had to get off and wait for ANOTHER new plane. Thankfully this didn’t happen and eventually, over five hours late, we were on our way. This meant we got to SF quite late at night, and were exhausted after being awake for more than 24 hours. One good thing about this was that we adjusted to the time zone fairly quickly, so jet lag was kept to a minimum. We stayed in a nice little apartment on Mission Street with Jaana, my friend from Estonia (and an awesome dancer, if you don’t know her yet).  This wasn’t the beginning of our problems though...

With my spirit animal at Hot Pot,
and Bay area picture postcards

During this trip, Dawn drove on the wrong side of a dual carriageway, Jaana was almost mugged outside the dance studio she was taking a workshop with Mira Betz at (resulting in me losing my shit at a cop that was at the scene when I arrived!), we were late for the Suhaila Level 1 class we were going to take thanks to the BART, which meant we had to miss it (though thankfully we got to take the L2 class) and we almost completely missed Second Saturday at Hot Pot in Sacramento because of driving/robbery issues. We were due to perform and completely missed the entire dancing section of the show. We were so disappointed but it was kind of out of our control. At least we got to see the fire show, and the incomparable Amy Sigil doing fire whip... amazing (and I got to catch up with the Hot Pot family)!

But it wasn’t all bad. We had some great times during our few days in SF too, being tourists and we got to go to the great Kafana Balkan show as part of Gold Rush. Incredible performances from the likes of Mira Betz, Jill Parker, Kami Liddle, Elizabeth Strong and more. That was a great night. But the problems we had kind of set the tone for some of the Tribal Fest experience too....

Martina picked us up from our apartment in Mission and we drove to Forestville, a small town outside of Sebastopol where we were staying – so far so good. Then we arrived to the house we were staying in. When I say house I use the term very loosely... we had gone in on this place with some sweet American girls we connected with on the Tribal Fest group. I was very keen to stay closer to the festival this year as I felt that Bodega Bay was too far away last year and with it being my first Tribal Fest I hadn’t got to experience everything I wanted to because of the distance. So finding someone that booked a place only 15 minutes drive away was perfect. I think driving through the graveyard of rusting cars probably should have prepared us for what we were about to face... greeted by the owner we were introduced to our place for the week. Now I will pre-empt the following comments with an advisory notice on me – I am not a princess but I am somewhat fussy. I like a place to be clean and I like to feel safe in the place I’m staying. I’m also not a fan of winged insects (butterflies, dragonflies and moths are exempt from this hatred). Actually I’m not a fan of a lot of insects, but the winged kind especially! It doesn’t have to be a palace or a 5 star hotel, but it would be nice if it wasn’t a shit hole. This is why I don’t camp and I try to avoid hostels (and I know there are some great hostels out there, but I have stayed in shit ones in the past so I avoid as much as possible!). Our beautiful spacious house as advertised on Airbnb was actually a double-wide trailer, with ants in the kitchen and garbage underneath it with flies everywhere. And worst of all for me – you couldn’t lock the door. I can almost overlook all the other stuff, but I like to feel safe. In the country I have no doubt that I was probably completely safe, but I come from a city where we can’t leave our doors unlocked, so sleeping at night with the place open to anyone to walk in terrified me, and I didn’t sleep properly for the whole week. I’m sure many of you will think I’m stupid for feeling this way, but I genuinely felt unsafe... maybe it’s too many horror movies. Or maybe the people coming to water the garden that we discovered had also been given permission to come into the house whether we were there or not was the issue. Either way, I hated it there, and the first night I sobbed that I wanted to go home. The thing that grieved us all most through the course of the week was that we had spent so much money on this place when we could have spent the same amount for a nice house somewhere. If we knew what we had paid for, it wouldn’t have been an issue. Essentially the Airbnb listing was a con. If I see this woman advertise her place on the Tribal Fest Facebook group next year I will make sure to point out to everyone on there what a shit tip it is. Don’t give this woman your money!

Friends..... the best part of TF

Well, enough about the trailer from hell... how about some actual Tribal Fest review? Well, some of Tribal Fest was quite stressful (though this was nothing to do with the organisation or running of the event and rather related to the place we stayed, being tired because of the place we stayed and getting dancers up to speed for performing on Saturday night), but most of it was a riot. Last year I took more than half a dozen workshops and felt like it had been a bit of a waste because of various reasons. So this year I opted for the 6 hour intensive with Zoe Jakes and her choreography class Whippersnapper. Zoe never fails to kick my ass and bring new realisations about old movements or combinations of movements. I loved getting to spend 6 hours working on fundamental technique, in the only dance studio on site with a smaller class – Tuesday to Thursday I was getting my butt kicked into shape, and getting some individual attention and corrections too – it was like being back in Vegas the first year I went to Massive. But 6 hours was just too short – I would like 6-8 hours per day minimum with her, everyday! I imagine what an amazing bellydancer I would be if I could do that...! And the Whippersnapper choreography was 2 hours of super fast awesomeness. For me it was a great opportunity to learn some of Zoe’s stylistic quality in practice of actual dancing rather than drilling, as well as a challenge for myself – could I memorise a complicated choreography quickly and be able to recall it accurately? This was a great preparation for the work I have to do for Bellydance Evolution now I’m back home, as I have 8 or 9 dances to learn before I go to Germany for rehearsals in just over a week.

I taught two classes of my own at Tribal Fest – one was a travelling and layering workshop, and the other was an arm workshop, both of which I felt went really well and got some good feedback from. Thursday was the teacher meet and greet – last year this was a highlight for me as I got to socialise with so many people – this year was different having my own stall with my merchandise to sell and not getting much time to just wander around and chat with people. My whistle-stop tour around the merch tables saw me grabbing a Datura hoodie and passing by pretty much everything else, missing out on the UNMATA pants I wanted to pick up (I wanted some when I was in Sacramento in January but didn’t have enough cash). I also picked up a Zoe hoodie later in the week, but that was it for the merchandise trawl. I also picked up two sets of beautiful earrings from the Tawapa booth outside later in the week, which I adore and got at a discounted price from their bargain bucket. I couldn’t believe my luck at nabbing the two pairs I wanted but couldn’t afford at the full price. I got two for less than the price of one, so I was thrilled with my bargain hunting!

Khalgani, Juniper Project and Mat Jacob & Friends

So what else did I do at Tribal Fest? Well, I performed a lot... more than I had even acknowledged I was going to. Two turned into three, into four, into five... well, why not?! The performances started on Friday, performing Khalgani style with Dawn O’Brien in the afternoon to the Fucking Best Song Everrr! Friday evening was the highlight for me – Slow ITS in Mat Jacob’s set. I got to perform with my ITS dream team... Calamity Sam, Mat Jacob, Joanna Abel, Amy Sigil, Kari Van Der Zwaag and Zoe Jakes... my friends, teachers and idols... I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to dance with. And the energy was amazing. Slow is not something we get to do a huge amount of, so it was incredible to dance it with these women. To say I was really nervous about fucking it up is an understatement, especially when during our afternoon rehearsal without Amy and Kari, I was nominated to be the second leader in the stagger by the other girls. So it was the performance I was most nervous about, but the one I enjoyed the most. It was a serious honour to be asked to be involved. What was nice about it is that Sam, Mat, Joanna, Zoe and I all did our level 3 intensive together in January, so it was like getting the gang back together. I had an amazing time – I wish we could do it all the time!

Saturday was UNMATA’s set at 4.20pm. During the day I was wishing I hadn’t signed up for it.  I felt like I needed to spend more time working with my dancers for my set, but there was no way I could back out of it now. This was a bit of a source of stress for me on Saturday, but I was really glad afterwards that I did it. We got together to run the whole set around 3pm – it was great to see it all together after having the music set for several weeks. I admit what I had pictured in my head was not at all what they did with the music – what they did was far better! 34 people participated in UNMATA’s set, and I was very grateful to be one of them. It was a lot of fun, and I love all the dancers that were in my group for ITS. In the dressing room, hearing Mat asking Zoe if she should change her hair ... Zoe: No, everyone’s hair is pretty big for this set. Me: Except for mine.... this exchange led to me having my hair done for me by Zoe effing Jakes... damn, I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her with me everywhere! I loved the hair that she did for me – I never thought I could have my hair big and coiffed up like that because it is so thin and naturally centre-parts, so even when I side-part my hair it naturally falls back to a centre parting. Even without back-combing, Zoe managed to give me a coiffe, or a pomp as the Americans call it. The girls didn’t recognise me! I didn’t recognise me.... I looked really different! But in a good way. I kept it in for my set in the evening.

A Sigil Pep Talk, me during ITS International, and the 34 Hot Pot family performers

Talking of my set, we got a really great time on Saturday night, the room was absolutely packed. We were on before Colleena Shakti and FatChanceBellyDance so everyone was there. It was really nice to perform for such a supportive audience, and I felt a lot of warmth from the crowd – they were very vocal. And I didn’t feel at all nervous about it... I was really happy to see friends sitting on the floor in front of the stage – it was really reassuring to see their faces and it kept the energy up. I think it goes without saying that a group of dancers from three different countries would have benefited from having more time to rehearse together than we actually had (which is why I was stressing about being in UNMATA’s set instead of working with the girls in the afternoon), but on the whole I think we all did a good job. I was kind of... nervous is the wrong word, but I was dancing to Beats Antique for my solo part of my set, and that felt like a kind of bad move at Tribal Fest – like I should have been more creative with my choice of music. But after having a Bonobo track planned as my solo piece for TF for many months I found I was not getting anywhere with it. The moment I decided to use the Beats Antique track I’d been toying with I was suddenly inspired to create something – not that it is perfect, but it’s better than anything I was doing with Bonobo. Hopefully people liked it and don’t think choosing Beats Antique was a cop out! I felt like it really fit in with the rest of my set and that was more important to me – any of the other songs I’ve got lined up to dance to just didn’t fit as well.

Hair twins...

The final performance was on Sunday, Hot Pot International with live music from Beatbox Guitar. I was really excited to be asked to do this, and I know I screwed up a few times, but on the whole I did ok. I love ITS, but it’s lonely being only one of two teachers in the UK. I don’t get to dance with Catherine very often, and a small number of my students are only just beginning Level 2 (most are still working through Level 1, and I’m very happy for them to stay there for as long as they need in order to nail it – no point in them moving up to L2 if they’re not confident yet in L1). This means that stuff like the circle and chorus line are things that I have had no practice at since Level 3 in January – and in class it’s ok to fuck it up, on stage is not the place. So my actual performance experience of ITS and the concepts that can be added later with formations has been very limited. It’s something I wish I had more opportunity to do, and maybe is something that can be actioned in the European ITS community, especially as a new cohort of European L1, 2 and 3 teachers will be coming through in July after Tribal Umrah. It’s something I’d love to arrange or be involved in when my work schedule is a bit quieter – just cos you know the theory behind it doesn’t mean you can feel confident when put in a situation that you’re expected to nail it. Regardless of the nerves, I enjoyed the experience and it was really cool to get the opportunity to dance ITS to live music instead of recorded (a challenge in itself!).

What I loved about this Tribal Fest was getting to dance with people I love and respect so much, getting to see people I don’t get to see often enough and just immersing in the experience the way I didn’t get the chance to last year. I’m grateful to have been there this year, and of course it’s an honour to join the list of teachers that have been involved. Certainly at the beginning of my journey over 8 years ago, there is not a chance I would have dreamed to be on the Tribal Fest teaching team, to perform with people I have idolised for almost a decade... these were special moments for me. So even with all the shit at the beginning of the trip, it was worth it to be there.

Clockwise from top left: Rachel Brice, Yahna, Mardi Love,
Svetlana of Ujbaba, April Rose & Steven Eggers

My favourite performances from the shows included UNMATA, Fat Chance, Zoe’s House of Tarot, Mardi Love, Rachel Brice (oh my god, I didn’t even breathe for a good two minutes before I realised I was starving myself of oxygen...she’s gonna kill everyone in the audience at Infusion Emporium!) and seeing Jaana killing it on stage. I missed a lot of great performances too, so I look forward to catching up on YouTube. I already saw an amazing one of Silvia Salamanca that I wish I didn’t miss (she was on immediately after us on Saturday night). So I see a TF catch up night in my future! Of all the feedback I got about my dancing during the weekend, the one that meant the most came from Zoe (and I’m paraphrasing) – to keep doing what I’m doing and embrace my practice as an ongoing thing, that I’m on the right track. I think that was the best thing anyone could have said to me at this point – knowing that even though there is more out there to challenge myself with, I should never forget that I have stuff to work on all the time, regardless, just by being present in my practice and enjoying the process. It’s really nice to know I have good people on my team that give a shit. Even almost breaking my ankle as I stepped off the curb while leaving Tribal Fest couldn't kill my mood that night!

The journey back was not quite so eventful (though we were stuck in Dublin for 7 hours with our layover). I was feeling pretty shattered and tetchy by the time I got back, so an early(ish) night was required and I tried not to let jet lag beat me. I had one day at home before I head off at 4AM on Thursday morning to the airport for my next gig in Rome, where I spent the weekend either sleeping, teaching, performing or getting my butt handed to me by Piny Orchidaceae in her awesome workshops!

I think that the past few months have been so eventful and I haven’t had a chance to really do anything with my blog. So a quick thanks to all the sponsors, workshop participants, teachers and friends that I’ve been in contact with recently – I want to write about my recent travels in another blog, cos I knew this one was gonna be pretty long! I’m excited about the next few months with Bellydance Evolution coming up, more travelling, more collaborative work and some really exciting summer projects before the event I’ve been waiting all year for hits in October! ;)

Right, and with that note I need to get back to work – lots to do, and at some point after the next couple of weeks have passed, I will get that opportunity to refocus on my own practice and start making new work. I have a lot of stuff I want to work on, so once BDE is done my focus is going to shift there.

Hope that you are all having a productive few months and I look forward to dancing with some of you soon! Below are some videos from Tribal Fest of the projects I was involved in – hope you enjoy them! Cheers, until next time!

A x

Alexis Southall & The Juniper Project at Tribal Fest 14:
Featuring Alexis Southall, Jaana Hansman, Martina Crowe-Hewett & Dawn O'Brien
Trio (Rock Anthem - Black Violin), Solo (Overture - Beats Antique), Quartet (Right in the Eyeball - Pentaphobe)

Mat Jacob & Friends:
Slow ITS Set with Calamity Sam, Joanna Abel, Amy Sigil, Kari Van Der Zwaag, Zoe Jakes, Alexis Southall and Mat Jacob, followed by Tribal Fusion set with gorgeous dancers from France and Canada!

Hot Pot International with Beatbox Guitar:
Featuring Sarah Stinson, Kari Van Der Zwaag, April Rose, Jennifer Knott-Biswas, April Hollon, Svetlana Dvoretskaya, Alexis Southall, and ITS dancers from all over the world flash-mobbing in the audience!

UNMATA:
Amazing set from UNMATA featuring 34 members of the Hot Pot family... 13 minutes of pure awesome!

Time flies when you're having fun!

I can’t believe it is March this weekend. I intended to write in my blog so much more often during 2014, but alas we’re already almost in the third month and this is my first post! So much has happened but I guess I haven’t felt like I had anything to say, other than what a riot I’ve been having, doing this crazy thing that I love so much. I feel like I’ve been around the world and back in these first two months.... I guess in a way I have though! Germany, Paris (twice!), Sacramento, Switzerland... That’s a fair bit of travelling in 8 weeks!

So I’ve had some really great experiences so far this year, and am very aware of how incredibly lucky I am to be spending my life doing this. The past two weeks have been a crazy interesting time for me. It started off with the unprecedented interest in Infusion Emporium, which is almost entirely sold out (we have very limited numbers of our Saturday show tickets left, and After Party tickets... that’s it!). The immense sense of responsibility I felt after seeing the scramble for tickets, and the resulting sadness from people who have been coming to IE for years but didn’t get tickets this time, was colossal. It’s gonna be weird to have an IE without certain people being involved in the whole thing. But I’m also excited to meet all the new attendees, and it’s certainly a testament to how much IE has grown since its humble beginnings four years ago. We’re planning something super special for next year... if there is even a chance we can top this year’s!

After all the excitement and hullabaloo surrounding IE, I spent the whole of last week participating in a training intensive for 8 West Midlands based artists at the DanceXchange in Birmingham, called Strive. The programme is a training and mentoring scheme for those interested in delivering dance to vulnerable groups. I applied for this last year, and flew back early from a gig in Slovenia in order to take the interview to be a participant. I was really excited when I found out I had been selected, and a little surprised given that the course was undoubtedly aimed at other ‘more respected’ dance forms.

Photo: Jamie Christos

I oscillated between feeling excited, daunted and isolated throughout the week. I learned such a lot about how to approach working with vulnerable groups, and in doing so questioned whether what I do is even appropriate for working in those settings. I have yet to firmly formulate my feelings on this. By day four I was feeling really like I had no idea what my place was in the wider context of the dance world, and really feel like the majority of the bellydance world in general probably don’t really understand where we are situated within it. If nothing else, this course really highlighted my lack of understanding of the wider dance sector. I spend so much time wrapped in this bellydance bubble, and specifically tribal bellydance bubble, that I have no idea what the trends and issues are that are faced in dance as a whole. In explaining what I do and how I work to the other dancers on the course, it seemed like they couldn’t get their head around the fact that I have to travel all over the country and indeed the continent to teach and perform; and their utter surprise at the notion of bellydance-only events existing that keep me paying my rent and bills tickled me a little. But I am as oblivious to their world as they are to mine. It’s definitely highlighted some shortfalls in my knowledge, but the course also closed some gaps too, and I’ve made some brilliant contacts for the future. It doesn’t stop there either – as part of the course I will complete two placements at different organisations and have access to a mentor completely outside of my arena to guide me through it. I see this as a great experience not just for me but also for helping the wider dance scene understand what we do – everyone was interested and wanted to know more, so chipping away at people’s preconceptions a little bit at a time hopefully will help us in getting somewhere with regards to how we are perceived.

Top: Wreck It
Bottom: photo by Nei Mad

That week was absolutely exhausting physically and mentally. But it was topped off by a wonderful day on Saturday, the highlight of which was getting to perform with my ITS student troupe Wreck It, and seeing my student Halley performing her first ever solo and nailing it. I have never had the opportunity to feel so overwhelmed with pride for my students – on rare occasions I’ve got to see some of them dance, but to get to be there for one of them as they do their first solo performance, and to get to dance with my group was so wonderful. It really highlighted to me that, although my schedule for 2014 is quite ridiculous with all the travelling I’ve got to do, I really need to keep my focus when I’m home, and try to be available for them as much as possible. I’m looking forward to dancing with them again this Saturday, and hoping that some of them will also take the plunge and create their first solos. It’s an exciting and really fulfilling time for me as a teacher.

Top: With Amy Sigil in Paris
Bottom: Offenbach, Germany in January

In my own work, I’m trying to have more focus and create some new work for the stage. Been working on a group piece for Tribal Fest, and have finally found a new song I want to choreograph a solo to, but the piece is very intense and feels like it needs longer careful thought and consideration. So I’m not sure when I will be sharing that with you, or what I will be dancing to in the meantime!

The rest of 2014 holds a lot of exciting prospects for me. Heading to Lisbon, Prague, Rome, Barcelona, Tallinn, USA, Dublin, Vienna, Offenbach and Berlin for teaching gigs this year, with more being added all the time. I’m especially excited about working on a collaborative workshop with Kami Liddle for Tribal Art festival in Barcelona in April – that’s gonna be fun! And lots of thrilling collaborative pieces are in the works. It’s a busy year, that’s for sure, but I’m happy to be working so much and gaining so many new experiences. Being on the teaching rosters alongside those that were my teachers is a very rewarding and fulfilling occurrence, and one that I am so grateful for. 

Deep in concentration at Hot Pot Studio

I’ll close with some awesome news and some of my latest YouTube videos. I passed my Level 3 ITS qualification last month, which is super exciting for me. I just love ITS so much, and it’s given me a renewed passion for dance – getting to do the training with some of my favourite people has already been a major highlight of my year! And here are some videos for you... the first is a choreography I created for Infusion Emporium last year, dueting with Heather Labonte; the second is my performance from the Tribal Roots show in Barcelona last year, dancing to a track that almost a year after first hearing it, I still love listening to. I’m still performing this piece so you might catch me dancing it somewhere near you!

Fortunate to be travelling a lot this year, so I hope that I will meet you during one of my stops, whether we’re old friends or yet to be friends ;)

Till the next time!
A x


Heather Labonte and Alexis Southall performing Retrying at Infusion Emporium

Alexis Southall performing Swimming Pools at Tribal Roots Show

Reflections and Lessons Learned in 2013

My view on the first day of 2013

On January 1^st 2013, I stood at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle looking over the glistening lights of the skyscrapers and getting giddy from the brisk fresh air I was inhaling. Looking over a city, where the people below look so small, your senses working overtime 520 feet up in the air, it’s difficult not to have some kind of life assessment up that high (especially if you’re scared of heights!). I remember clearly what I thought on the first day of 2013 – I’m happy to be alive, I’m a very lucky person, and 2013 is gonna be a good year. Many people say 13 is unlucky, but I don’t believe them. I’d seen the new year in at the Beats Antique gig, spent the day sightseeing with my favourite person, took a private lesson with my favourite dancer, and conquered my fear of heights (well... for about 15 minutes I did...). All in all I’d say it was a pretty good first day. I wish 2014 was gonna open with such a bang!

2013 did turn out to be a good year, in many ways. I feel like I really, truly progressed as an artist and as a person. I achieved a lot of things that I wanted to get done, and as the year is drawing to a close I’ve got my mind on new projects that are as a result of my experiences this year. I’m super excited about what 2014 holds, and I have 2013 to thank for that.

I achieved a lot of personal goals in 2013, including many training goals – passing the UNMATA ITS certification, passing Jamila Level 1 certification, getting to do a lot of training with people that have really fed my soul and made an unrivalled impact on my dancing – Zoe, Mira and Amy for example. I’ve been lucky to be able to continue to travel and to train, thanks to sheer luck of being able to scrape money together at the right time (i.e. doing enough temping that it pays it off!).  I feel like this year I’ve laid the groundwork for 2014 for transitioning to dance being my full time profession – which is both exciting and scary. I still feel the pull of a steady job (and I’ve tried working them, unsuccessfully!), but I’m trying to be brave and just go for it! If I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it, and I’ll always regret it.

ITS makes me happy, clearly!

The biggest turning point for me in 2013 was finding myself in my dance. Rediscovering the joy, and why I love dance so much, and this all happened during a week of intense, sweaty and fun training in ITS with 24 other amazing women. Finding out that I was actually sucking my own enjoyment out of my dancing and not allowing myself to just live in the moment and love what I was doing, was a big eye-opener for me, and created an instant change not only in my life but also on stage. I also came out of my shell a lot more in 2013 – I tried to learn my lessons – I’m shy, but maybe I come across as anti-social? I don’t want to be that person, so I’ll try to be more open and talkative!

Having this change of dynamic in my behaviour gave me a lot more confidence to do things I had wanted to do for a long time. The major thing it gave me confidence to do was to direct a group. I’ve wanted to work with a group for sooo long. I’ve worked in tons of groups, but I’ve never had an opportunity to choreograph and direct a group. This year I created the Juniper Project, which got a great response both from the dancers that wanted to be involved to the reactions of the audience when we performed at Infusion Emporium this year. I was very fortunate to get to work with some of our most talented dancers on this performance, and audience members were raving about the performance. It was definitely a highlight of my year. It is an experience that I have not only learned a great deal from, but also see as being a permanent fixture in my future. I would love to do more work with Juniper Project and I’m currently formulating plans and looking into ways to make those plans happen.

Talking of Infusion Emporium, what a great year we have had – two successful events with April Rose, Kami Liddle, Giuliana Angelini and Heather Labonte all teaching. Two amazing theatre shows, and great support from the community in coming out to see the highly talented performers we attract from all over the world. And 2014... what can we say? An intimate intensive weekend with Tjarda Van Straten in May, and none other than RACHEL BRICE for October and November, joined by Ashley Lopez, Samantha Emanuel and Lamia Barbara... could we ask for a better line up?!

As the year ends, I feel like my focus is taking a new direction. I have spent years as an improv dancer – and I feel like I was pretty good at that. These days, I’m really getting into making choreographies, and I have ideas buzzing around my head like never before – the renewed love and passion for dance is really getting the creative juices flowing, as well as the opportunities I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone (Skinner Release, physical theatre....). I’m excited for all the opportunities 2014 may bring (I'm hoping more of the same - travelling, learning, time with friends and teaching!) and to see if I can tick off any of the goals and achievements I’ll write on my list for next year.

What are you excited about for next year? 

A x

Rediscovering the Joy of Dance

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. In truth I’ve been trying to write one for weeks but inspiration has been lacking, beginning them and then throwing them in the trash. This one might end the same way...

I guess I haven’t really known what to write about. I’ve been travelling a lot and I could bore you all to death with the details of everywhere I’ve been teaching. But, while that might be of interest to some of you, I don’t want to sound like a broken record. Every trip has been fun in its own unique way; I’ve learned lots and come home happy with some money in my pocket for teaching. Not really the content of a riveting blog post is it?!

However there is something that I feel like I could share with you, readers. If you’re a long time reader of this blog you’ll have followed me with all my ups and downs. The highs and the lows of being a dancer. Injury, self loathing, choreographer’s block, mini-breakthroughs, massive breakthroughs, something that reignited the spark for why you love this so much in the first place. And you’ll have read my posts about being in a slump, for reaching the lowest points of despair of why you’re even still dancing at all. I was in this state of dislike of myself and of dance for some time, and over the past 18 months or so I have been working through it. And for a long time I’ve felt like I was over the slump – I talked to other dancers about what I should do and took their advice and thought I was over the insecurity, the overly critical voice inside my head was a little quieter than usual and therefore everything was ok again.

Photo by Florian Holbling

But, recently I realised that I’m now only just leaving the dark place. The past 6 months I’ve been emerging, and now I have finally emerged. At Tribal Umrah, on stage at the closing show, for the first time in I don’t remember how long... I enjoyed performing. My head was completely empty of thoughts on stage and I loved every second that I was up there. My piece was a new choreography that I had struggled with so much. The music I used I have had for some time, and tried to choreograph to twice before and thrown away. I choreographed my piece a little over a week before I got to Umrah, and only made the dance with the help of the Dance Spinner for inspiration. I felt like the finished article was enough of myself to be recognisably Alexis, but also pushing my own personal movement boundaries a little from what I usually create for myself. And when I stepped on the stage, my head wasn’t filled with worry, or self doubt, or even running the choreography for what came next. I just danced it and felt the power within that. I have been trying to replicate that feeling since February 2012 when I took a class with Amy Sigil and gave myself permission to dance with complete abandonment.

When I met my husband after the show, he asked me: ‘Did you enjoy it?’ When I answered ‘Yes’, he said, ‘I could tell’. Dan sees me perform a lot, and although I had convinced myself these past 6 months that I was enjoying myself when I performed, he could tell that I wasn’t quite there yet. Until Umrah. Since then I have had people coming to me at the events I have performed at telling me that there’s something different about me. That they always enjoyed seeing me perform, that I was always a good dancer when they had seen me dance... but that something was different and they couldn’t quite put their finger on it. Descriptions such as ‘more powerful’, and ‘bigger’. And I feel like they’re seeing the change that is happening in my attitude towards myself and towards my dance.

So what did change you might ask. Well.... I think there is a teacher out there that has had a really profound effect on me this year. I sought out guidance from so many teachers to help me pull myself out of this ridiculous feeling of self loathing towards my dancing. I know we all have it to an extent, and that it can help us be better, but not when it’s making you ask the question, ‘why does something I love so much make me so unhappy?’ So there is one person that I feel like they got the message through. That person is Amy Sigil. I feel like I have a lot to thank her for.

Performing ITS with Afsana in Munich.
Photo by Florian Holbling

For years I have been the girl that doesn’t like to cause a fuss. I’m totally an introvert and I’m incredibly shy. I will take a backseat because I lack confidence in my own ideas, to the point where I’ll follow someone else’s ideas even if I think they’re stupid. Not any more. At Tribal Fest, Amy taught a workshop on team spirit. She made us write on a part of our bodies (I wrote on my foot) with a Sharpie, the team quality we needed to improve in ourselves (this stayed on my foot for about a week, despite trying to scrub the writing off my foot several times!), and to high five the door on the way out, shouting out the quality. I am totally not the kind of person to feel comfortable doing that, but I did it and it felt good. And I made an effort to embody that quality (mine was communicator) more often. I did the Soul Food intensive with Mira and Zoe the following week and actually took some responsibility in group work, confidently. Back home, in one week I lost my voice, taught a workshop with no voice, presented a paper at a conference (which I felt outrageously under-prepared for, but was praised for its content) and passed my PhD viva for which the examiners told me I gave an excellent defence. I’d spent the last four years of my PhD doubting everything I thought I knew about it – when it got to the viva I was convinced I didn’t know my own work well enough to defend it adequately. In fact, I did know it. But I lacked the confidence in myself and my ability. And I feel like I’m now turning a corner with this, and giving myself the credit I deserve.

This is how ITS makes me feel.
Photo by Florian Holbling

At Umrah I completed the Level 1 & 2 ITS intensive with Amy and Kari of UNMATA. I spent up to 7 hours a day for 5 days immersed in ITS. I have fallen completely in love with this format, and a lot of that has to do with having been around Amy and Kari so much. Their energy, dedication and the way they build you up in confidence is astounding. I cried a lot that week. I cried because I was sharing this intense and beautiful and crazy five days with a group of women that all love the same thing. And when it was all over I was heartbroken that we would be leaving each other. I cried when we were all together in a huddle, staring into each others’ eyes saying ‘I’m ready’ over and over again. There were moments tears rolled down my cheeks when the two separate staggers busted out the same move in improv and it was just such a beautiful sight and feeling inside when it happened. On the last day, also being a teacher at the festival, I was obliged to go to a brunch during the lunch break. Usually at lunch I would eat a little then practice everything I’d been learning with the other girls. I was driven back to the studio – I could hear the girls in the studio screaming and laughing with the music pumping from three blocks down. And I couldn’t wait to join them – ‘Let me out of the car! I need to be with my people!’ – I ran down the street and jumped in to the stagger. In that moment I realised what I had been missing for so long – the joy of just dancing. I’m an academic, so everything gets over-analysed. And I’ve realised I need to stop over-analysing everything and just experience things. That I need to let go more, to have more confidence in and acceptance of myself and who I am, and most of all, to feel the bliss of dancing with no inner critic telling you everything you do sucks. Being critical of yourself is important so that you can improve your technique and the outcome of your training – performance – of course, but not to the point that it makes you hate yourself. That week in Marseille completely changed me as a person, just like the flick of a switch. I felt it, my husband saw it in me straight away, and other dancers – people that know me well – have seen the change in me, in such a short time. I don’t just feel motivated – it’s more than that. I’ve left other intensives feeling so motivated to work harder and be a better dancer, but it doesn’t keep momentum, because of this negative attitude I’ve been tarnishing myself with for so long. A month has now passed since the intensive and even though I’m currently nursing an injury, the feeling hasn’t left me. I hope it never does. I’m now going to focus on training my inner critic to be used to my advantage instead of as a form of abusing myself – using the analysis as a strength instead of a weakness.

Thank you Amy Sigil, for helping me to find the joy of dance again. If it weren’t for the intensive I’m not sure that I would be feeling any different than I have been feeling for the past two years now. I am completely in love with dance again – really excited about so many things that are coming up over the next few months, and excited to be starting my weekly classes again next month. Amy really has a way with words that not only make you feel better but also help you to question yourself as to why you feel the way you do and what you should be doing differently. I’m not sure exactly what happened to me in that intensive, but I’m not the person I was when I walked in there the first day. So if you get a chance to spend any length of time with Amy and the rest of the UNMATA girls, you should do it. If you can get to Hot Pot Studio, even better – you’ll feel that vibe coming at you from everyone there.

And of course, I’m totally delighted that after all the sweat and tears, I have now qualified to teach Level 1 & 2 of UNMATA’s ITS format. I’m very excited about this, and the prospect of sharing this format with dancers in my city and around the UK hopefully.

Super looking forward to the future and everything it’s going to bring my way, and most of all learning to enjoy the ride no matter what arises – process vs. outcome!

I hope you’re all making your own dance discoveries this summer and that, if nothing else, the good weather has brightened your spirits!

Until next time!

A x